Triggers

It would appear life has been a bit trigger happy these days.
I have been suffering because a few triggers have arose. I wonder if I “make it look good” but in the end, it still hurts.
        I suppose it’s a good thing that I know about the triggers, but I am still unsure as to how much damage each has caused me. I suppose the best way to go about this is admitting that which has harmed be greatly these past few days. First of all: Chris Cornell committed suicide. In a million and two ways this is awful. A great musical artist is lost, and by his own hand too no less. However, I did not know him personally, but his death is still a trigger.
        I’m not sure how public my depression has been. I’ve gone through bouts of depression from grade 7 on, the most serious of which has happened since graduating. I have gone through serious suicidal ideation (and an attempt or two) and been an outpatient because of a seasonal affective disorder which took a serious turn for the worse.
        I can look back on all of it as a nice summation of the shit I’ve gone through. However there are certain times when all of it resurfaces once more. This can occur by choice when depression is a conversation topic, however when it occurs by chance, I’m taken off guard. The times when my past comes back unannounced, it usually arises from the suicide of another. In this case it was Chris Cornell. A fantastic artist who has affected my life by more than a few degrees. Any time depression and suicide is brought up not only is my past brought but up but so is the prospect of “maybe I should too.” I know countless times over how horrible some people have it but sometimes I wonder what exactly caused one person or another to do it. The behind  the scenes sometimes turns into a sick competition: was it worse for me? how did they do it? is it too late for me to try? The line between life and death becomes finer and the decision to cross over becomes more and more appealing. I have yet to figure out a way around or rather way to face it other than distraction, and so I’ve been watching a lot of Kdrama (Cinderella and Four Knights) I wish there was a better way, but I feel like a broken record when I keep talking about it.
         Speaking of talking about things, lets move onto my second trigger: sexual abuse. I wish it wasn’t true but it is what it is and I have a history with it whether I like it or not. My story doesn’t involve rape (thank God) but sexual assault from an unknown guy in a dating situation. I’d hate to go into too much detail, suffice to say I learned a shitton from the experience. It’s an experience in which I can never go back. I’ll always have that experience that will forever shape my romantic history. In the way of “I’m not sorry but this happened to me, just so you know.” It has become another obstacle for the perfect guy to overcome. I’m contemplating a nicer way to say this but nothing I have said so far has been nice so I’ll just say it. Upon partial suggestion I perused a hentai that just happened to ruin…well a lot, if not everything. I can now comfortably say where I stand having been there as much as I would ever want to. Repetitive thrusting from both consenting and non-consenting animations, the sounds, the censorships. On it’s face, it is what it is but in no way is it ever desirable in my eyes. For the times when sexual animations came up with….what should we call him? one of the biggest creeps I’ve ever met, the guy that assaulted me, I had at that point only been exposed to the non-hentai, but still racy anime. He had thought it good enough and…well no more of that. Now I am versed in it I suppose? It has taught me that above anything else, romance is paramount. Fuck fucking, hentai, perverts, ecchi, I’m better off without it. It’s not my style, having been through what I’ve been through or not.
        Okay I think I can breathe now. Having written all that it now makes sense why I’ve had the unbearable and uncontrollable feelings of self-harm, self-annihilation and self-destruction. Uncovering triggers when I still am expected to live my life at it’s current stage today, sounds overwhelming, but manageable. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.
Breathe, just breathe.
lnl,
cc

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Triggers

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