Inexperienced and Broken

As I stare at this blank digital page I wonder so what’s it going to be? a sort of slightly reworded song of for Who’s it Gonna Be? Similar to an earlier reworded Legend of Zelda Lost Woods song, where each note is either F, M, or L. Perhaps music comforts me when things are stressful. Things were definitely stressful last week.
Work was definitely stressful. I don’t work nearly as much as I did in January. I went from part time to occasional and last week was a work week (last week and the Friday before actually). I will try to be as vague as possible to protect those involved.
On Monday there were a few boys who were particularly rambunctious and misbehaving. It felt almost like a replay of another incident where boys similar to those in question were being a bit too energetic. Previously the problems I faced (although that’s still an issue) was that I didn’t have a lot of say because I wasn’t a full timer. Why would they listen to me if I just came in occasionally for one week as opposed to other leaders who have more of a prominent and respected position there? That was what concerned me then. As expected I thought about that incident, and Monday’s incident often. The first incident concerned me much because I had a job interview where the employer asked a question to what I would do with rambunctious children. I honestly didn’t do what I said I would do in the situation. Monday’s issue followed a similar trajectory to the last one. Not having a solid job where I feel like I have say in the goings on at work. I’m sure the children would listen to me because I have been there long enough, but at the same time I don’t think they will listen to me when I tell them to calm down and stop misbehaving. The standard remains: I’m there to watch them, not raise them.
Monday’s incident stayed with me days after. But I kept at it. Perhaps the reason it bothered me so much was because I believe that every incident can be made into a learning experience. I’ve certainly used dating foibles as an experience to learn what I want out of relationships. What occurred in the past I used as lessons in childcare. The most annoying part of difficult days is that it is difficult because it is a learning experience. Every time something stressful or “bad” happens I’m sure to make note of it and consider what I would do better next time. I have since done this. I’d much rather know how to do problems with a protocol. But in addition to the incidents that happened I am reminded that I am still at the beginning stages of my career. I thought I wasn’t, a few volunteer jobs and a couple paying jobs later I thought I was past telling people that I’m new at this. But to my chagrin I’m still at the stage where I can still use the “I’m new” excuse. Perhaps I should view that as a good thing.
The last thing, aside from the fact that to my distress I was late getting some children to school because of a water bottle malfunction, was that Thursday I had a job interview at a school on the east side. I think it went better than previous interviews however my new and youthful persona did a disservice to me. One of the workers noted how young I looked which is not uncommon. Youthfulness can be interpreted as a gift. I’d like to think that when I have my serious job I could relate to who I’m helping by looking similar to them, one of those “I look hip like you” appearances that my mum tries to cultivate. I don’t see this as downsize except I wish I had the experience to back it up. The interview reminded me that as experienced as I thought I was I still have a little while to go.
After the interview I didn’t want to learn anything. I stopped reading and, although I had previously made a list of things I would have done different on Monday I put off my various other research on becoming a leader. I wanted the world to stop. Wishing such a thing was because I had been forcing myself to learn quickly. I knew I had to try and get better and show my skills and talents in child care. I didn’t want to anymore. I just gave up and I can admit for a split second I questioned my career path.
I tried to do well. And I have such kind people around me that wish for me to do well but at a certain point it’s not enough. The only thing that matters is the passage of time and experience I gain from life. At this point in life I remain at the experience stage. I need to do more work at experiencing life. I think that’s where I’m at right now.
Also as Minimalism month is up I have a slightly different week scheduled:
S – nothing, exercise maybe, walk Charlie Sat or Sun
M – Music Monday
T – blog, (dogwalker)
W- Yoga Wednesday
R – piano
F – Kind Words Kinyoubi
S -Saranghae Saturdays, pinterest
Nothing much changed but less emphasis on Japanese. That’s all, just got to sit and wait for that experience then.
lnl,
cc

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Inexperienced and Broken

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