it rains continuously erasing that that was and that that will be,
cleansing the world of things of the past, the hurt the blood, the injury
requesting and demanding all to stay inside, no critter would decidedly endure this
rain, water, flooding
suggesting two of every creature board up in an arc
or shut the doors and stay inside
for the rain will not cease until renewal is realized
and so it rains
It would appear life has been a bit trigger happy these days.
I have been suffering because a few triggers have arose. I wonder if I “make it look good” but in the end, it still hurts.
I suppose it’s a good thing that I know about the triggers, but I am still unsure as to how much damage each has caused me. I suppose the best way to go about this is admitting that which has harmed be greatly these past few days. First of all: Chris Cornell committed suicide. In a million and two ways this is awful. A great musical artist is lost, and by his own hand too no less. However, I did not know him personally, but his death is still a trigger.
I’m not sure how public my depression has been. I’ve gone through bouts of depression from grade 7 on, the most serious of which has happened since graduating. I have gone through serious suicidal ideation (and an attempt or two) and been an outpatient because of a seasonal affective disorder which took a serious turn for the worse.
I can look back on all of it as a nice summation of the shit I’ve gone through. However there are certain times when all of it resurfaces once more. This can occur by choice when depression is a conversation topic, however when it occurs by chance, I’m taken off guard. The times when my past comes back unannounced, it usually arises from the suicide of another. In this case it was Chris Cornell. A fantastic artist who has affected my life by more than a few degrees. Any time depression and suicide is brought up not only is my past brought but up but so is the prospect of “maybe I should too.” I know countless times over how horrible some people have it but sometimes I wonder what exactly caused one person or another to do it. The behind the scenes sometimes turns into a sick competition: was it worse for me? how did they do it? is it too late for me to try? The line between life and death becomes finer and the decision to cross over becomes more and more appealing. I have yet to figure out a way around or rather way to face it other than distraction, and so I’ve been watching a lot of Kdrama (Cinderella and Four Knights) I wish there was a better way, but I feel like a broken record when I keep talking about it.
Speaking of talking about things, lets move onto my second trigger: sexual abuse. I wish it wasn’t true but it is what it is and I have a history with it whether I like it or not. My story doesn’t involve rape (thank God) but sexual assault from an unknown guy in a dating situation. I’d hate to go into too much detail, suffice to say I learned a shitton from the experience. It’s an experience in which I can never go back. I’ll always have that experience that will forever shape my romantic history. In the way of “I’m not sorry but this happened to me, just so you know.” It has become another obstacle for the perfect guy to overcome. I’m contemplating a nicer way to say this but nothing I have said so far has been nice so I’ll just say it. Upon partial suggestion I perused a hentai that just happened to ruin…well a lot, if not everything. I can now comfortably say where I stand having been there as much as I would ever want to. Repetitive thrusting from both consenting and non-consenting animations, the sounds, the censorships. On it’s face, it is what it is but in no way is it ever desirable in my eyes. For the times when sexual animations came up with….what should we call him? one of the biggest creeps I’ve ever met, the guy that assaulted me, I had at that point only been exposed to the non-hentai, but still racy anime. He had thought it good enough and…well no more of that. Now I am versed in it I suppose? It has taught me that above anything else, romance is paramount. Fuck fucking, hentai, perverts, ecchi, I’m better off without it. It’s not my style, having been through what I’ve been through or not.
Okay I think I can breathe now. Having written all that it now makes sense why I’ve had the unbearable and uncontrollable feelings of self-harm, self-annihilation and self-destruction. Uncovering triggers when I still am expected to live my life at it’s current stage today, sounds overwhelming, but manageable. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.
Breathe, just breathe.
I have recently been living in the past. My youtube account has followed suit and mostly offers me videos that are over five years old. This only perpetuates this strange habit of watching videos and keeping in the loop of those that were very popular back in the day. I now have a newfound interest in knowing how they are today.
Here’s a list of those that have resurfaced from the past: Leda Muir, Hanna Beth, Audrey Kitching, Dirk Mai, Jeffree Star, Cupidofchaos (Janna), Suicide Girls Each have impacted and shaped who I am in a person, in both negative and positive ways. It’d be nice to check out how each are doing right now.
As I stare at this blank digital page I wonder so what’s it going to be? a sort of slightly reworded song of for Who’s it Gonna Be? Similar to an earlier reworded Legend of Zelda Lost Woods song, where each note is either F, M, or L. Perhaps music comforts me when things are stressful. Things were definitely stressful last week.
Work was definitely stressful. I don’t work nearly as much as I did in January. I went from part time to occasional and last week was a work week (last week and the Friday before actually). I will try to be as vague as possible to protect those involved.
On Monday there were a few boys who were particularly rambunctious and misbehaving. It felt almost like a replay of another incident where boys similar to those in question were being a bit too energetic. Previously the problems I faced (although that’s still an issue) was that I didn’t have a lot of say because I wasn’t a full timer. Why would they listen to me if I just came in occasionally for one week as opposed to other leaders who have more of a prominent and respected position there? That was what concerned me then. As expected I thought about that incident, and Monday’s incident often. The first incident concerned me much because I had a job interview where the employer asked a question to what I would do with rambunctious children. I honestly didn’t do what I said I would do in the situation. Monday’s issue followed a similar trajectory to the last one. Not having a solid job where I feel like I have say in the goings on at work. I’m sure the children would listen to me because I have been there long enough, but at the same time I don’t think they will listen to me when I tell them to calm down and stop misbehaving. The standard remains: I’m there to watch them, not raise them.
Monday’s incident stayed with me days after. But I kept at it. Perhaps the reason it bothered me so much was because I believe that every incident can be made into a learning experience. I’ve certainly used dating foibles as an experience to learn what I want out of relationships. What occurred in the past I used as lessons in childcare. The most annoying part of difficult days is that it is difficult because it is a learning experience. Every time something stressful or “bad” happens I’m sure to make note of it and consider what I would do better next time. I have since done this. I’d much rather know how to do problems with a protocol. But in addition to the incidents that happened I am reminded that I am still at the beginning stages of my career. I thought I wasn’t, a few volunteer jobs and a couple paying jobs later I thought I was past telling people that I’m new at this. But to my chagrin I’m still at the stage where I can still use the “I’m new” excuse. Perhaps I should view that as a good thing.
The last thing, aside from the fact that to my distress I was late getting some children to school because of a water bottle malfunction, was that Thursday I had a job interview at a school on the east side. I think it went better than previous interviews however my new and youthful persona did a disservice to me. One of the workers noted how young I looked which is not uncommon. Youthfulness can be interpreted as a gift. I’d like to think that when I have my serious job I could relate to who I’m helping by looking similar to them, one of those “I look hip like you” appearances that my mum tries to cultivate. I don’t see this as downsize except I wish I had the experience to back it up. The interview reminded me that as experienced as I thought I was I still have a little while to go.
After the interview I didn’t want to learn anything. I stopped reading and, although I had previously made a list of things I would have done different on Monday I put off my various other research on becoming a leader. I wanted the world to stop. Wishing such a thing was because I had been forcing myself to learn quickly. I knew I had to try and get better and show my skills and talents in child care. I didn’t want to anymore. I just gave up and I can admit for a split second I questioned my career path.
I tried to do well. And I have such kind people around me that wish for me to do well but at a certain point it’s not enough. The only thing that matters is the passage of time and experience I gain from life. At this point in life I remain at the experience stage. I need to do more work at experiencing life. I think that’s where I’m at right now.
Also as Minimalism month is up I have a slightly different week scheduled:
S – nothing, exercise maybe, walk Charlie Sat or Sun
M – Music Monday
T – blog, (dogwalker)
W- Yoga Wednesday
R – piano
F – Kind Words Kinyoubi
S -Saranghae Saturdays, pinterest
Nothing much changed but less emphasis on Japanese. That’s all, just got to sit and wait for that experience then.