aka I just want to sleep & Death is inevitable and it is a very slow process.
If you asked me how my winter break was I would respond, “not as restful as I would have liked.”
In past breaks I spent it regaining all of the sleep that I missed by being in school, but this time I didn’t get nearly enough sleep. My family came in December: Four older brothers, a sister in law and two nephews as well as my sister in law’s brother and sister. It was busy.
I admit I didn’t spend as much time with everyone as I probably should. But I did spend a lot of time with my nephews. For their gift I brought them to Bright Nights in Stanley Park with their mum. I think it was enjoyable and a very good choice. Aside from hanging out with my nephews and their mother I tried to stay in my room. My mum was very bad with this and kept trying to wake me up and get me to spend time with everyone. I hated this though. I find the energy of the family very exhausting and I have never felt more of an introvert as when it comes to hanging out with my family. It’s too difficult and I would rather be alone trying to sleep if I can’t sleep.
Nothing to of note for presents, gifts were definitely geared towards the nephews. They got a lot of presents and a Santa prank was set up (footprints in the snow in our living room) just for the little ones. I hope it was enjoyable for everyone even though I was less than impressed. The Christmas feeling has come few and far between as I’ve gotten older which is a shame.
The last week of 2016 was spent in Florida. I took three planes to get there and three planes to get back. I went there with my mum and it was less a vacation as it was a visit to help my grandfather out. It was a very difficult trip for me. My grandmother had passed away in October and I couldn’t make it to the funeral because of work so I went to see grandpa in December instead.
I miss my grandmother endlessly, and it hurts to think about how my grandfather is feeling about it all. I think his solution is best: forgetting it all. He has slight dementia and so it is rare he thinks anything is drastically different. Sometimes he still calls out to her. He also has horrible arthritis and can barely walk. The highlight of his day is mum and I taking him out to breakfast. He spends the rest of the day watching television. It is horribly dull there and it feels like time stands still. I disliked a lot of it after Wednesday. I figure three days is a good visit, but we were set to be there for ten. Friday (my grandfather’s 98th birthday) horrified me because it was the first time I witnessed my grandfather go through Sundowner’s Syndrome. He kept wanting to go home. Thinking of that day reminds me of everything I felt there. I was overwhelmingly stressed; my chest compressed. I didn’t know exactly how to describe how I felt but I just knew that crying would not be a bad idea. It may or may not have been my first contact with reality. Death is inevitable and it is a very slow process. I knew for the entire time that being there was an investment in my future self, and although my present self was suffering horribly I would have to be strong. I dream and look forward to the days when I could easily distract myself with k-pop, j-rock, k-dramas and the like. My break from reality could not come soon enough.
We arrived despite delays on every flight. We came home by taxi at 5 in the morning. And I barely got a few winks before work at 6:30. But I survived it all and look forward to 2017. Maybe next blog I’ll write about my resolutions? I’m still finalizing them. I am also doing a new year’s eve re-do this Friday because the one in Florida was utterly boring and was more a dress rehearsal than anything. I’m looking forward to it!