the first step to eternal life is you have to die p. 11
it’s a cloudy day even to tie up this is the worlds tallest building in this higher the wind is always cold it’s so quiet this higher the feeling you get is that you’re one of those space monkeys you do the little job you’re to do 12
that old saying how you always told the one you love well look, it works both ways 13
this is our world now, our world,” Tyler says, “and those instant people are dead 14
maybe we would become a legend, maybe not. No I say but wait. where would this be if no one had written the gospels? 15
it’s easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die. On a long enough timeline the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero. 17
this is how it is with insomnia everything is so faraway a copy of a copy of a copy. The insomnia distance of everything you can’t touch anything and nothing can text you 21
this was freedom losing all hope was freedom if I didn’t say anything people in a group assumed the worst they cried harder I cried harder look up into the stars and you’re gone.
Walking home after a support group I felt more alive than I’ve ever felt I wasn’t host cancer or blood parasites I was the little warm center that the life of the world crowded around.
and I slept. Babies don’t sleep this well.
Every evening I died and every evening I was born
we have an almost empty flight tonight so feel free to fold the armrests up into the seatbacks and stretch out. You stretch out zigzag knees bent waist bent, elbows bent across three or four seats. I set my watch two hours earlier or three hours later Pacific, mountain Central or Eastern Time lose an hour, gain an hour
This is Your life and it’s ending one minute at a time. 29
a thud and the second wheel hits the tarmac the staccato ever hundred of A hundred Seat belt buckles snapping Open and the single use Friends you almost died sitting next to says I hope you make your connection 31
if I could wake up in a different place at a different time could I wake up as a different person 33
you wake up and you’re no where 33
she actually felt alive her skin was clearing up all my life her life she never saw a dead person there was no real sense of life because she had nothing to contrast it with oh but now they’re was dying and death and loss and grief. weeping and shuddering, terror and remorse. Now that she knows where we’re all going, Marla feels every moment of her life. 38
you buy furniture you tell yourself this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. By the sofa then for a couple years you’re satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you got your sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug.
Then you’re trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own now they own you. 44
if you don’t know what you want the doorman said you end up with a lot you don’t.
May I never be complete.
May I never be content.
May I never be perfect.
Deliver me Tyler from being perfect and complete 46
maybe self improvement isn’t the answer.
Tyler never knew his father.
Maybe self-destruction is the answer. 49
you aren’t alive anywhere like you’re alive at fight Club. When it’s you and one other guy under that one light in the middle of all those watching. Fight club isn’t about winning or losing fights. Fight club isn’t about words. You see a guy come to fight club for the first time, and his ass is a loaf of white bread. You see the same guy here six months later, and he looks carved out of wood. This guy trusts himself to handle anything. There’s grunting and noise at fight club like at the gym, but fight club isn’t about looking good. There’s hysterical shouting in tongues like at a church, and when you wake up Sunday afternoon you feel saved 51
nothing was solved when the fight was over, but nothing mattered. 53
without just one nest
a bird can call the world home
Life is your career 64
still you never see me and Zsa Zsa Gabor together, and this doesn’t mean we’re the same person. Tyler just doesn’t come out when Marla around 65
my father always said get married before the sex gets boring, or you’ll never get married.
My mother says never buy anything with a nylon zipper.
My parents never said anything you’d want to embroider on a cushion,
Tyler does 100 98 sit ups 199 200 66
you know the condom is the glass slipper of our generation. You slip it on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night, then throw it away. The condom, I mean. Not the stranger -Marla 66
what Marla loves, she says, is all the things that people love intensely and then dump an hour or a day after. The way a Christmas tree is the center of attention, then, after Christmas you see those dead Christmas trees with the tinsel still on them, dumped along side the Highway. You see those trees and think of road kill animals or sex crimes victims wearing their underwear inside out and bound with black electrical tape 67
If you lose your nerve before you hit the bottom Tyler says you’ll never really succeed.
Only after disaster can we be resurrected.
It’s only after you’ve lost everything Tyler says, that you’re free to do anything 70
getting fired is the best thing that could happen to any of us. That way, we’d quit treading water and do something with our lives 83
I asked the doctor where could we get our hands on some of these hepatitis bugs, and he’s drunk enough to laugh.
Everything goes to the medical waste dump he says
And he laughs.
The medical waste dump sounds like hitting bottom. 85
watching white moon face
the stars never feel anger
blah blah blah the end 89
spiders could lay their eggs and larva could tunnel under your skin. That’s how bad your life can get 91 X
We go upstairs to her room, and Marla tells me how in the wild you don’t see old animals because as soon as they age, animals die. If they get sick or slow down, something stronger kills them. Animals aren’t meant to get old. 103
There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love 106
Disaster is the natural part of my evolution toward tragedy and dissolution 110
I’m breaking my attachment to physical power and possessions because only through destroying myself can I discover the greater power of my spirit 110
the liberator who destroys my property is fighting to save my spirit. The teacher who clears all possessions for my path will set me free 110
nothing is static. Everything is falling apart 112
don’t think of this as rejection. Think of it as downsizing 113
Think of this as an early retirement with pension 113
Tyler was the pawn of the world, everybody’s trash 113
If you know where to look, there are bodies buried everywhere 126
I asked how young is too young?
It doesn’t matter if the applicant is young we tell him he’s too young. It he’s fat, he’s too fat. If he’s old, he’s too old. Thin, he’s too thin. White, he’s too white. Black, he’s too black.
This is how Buddhist temples have tested applicants going back for bah-zillion years. You tell the applicant to go away, and if his resolve is so strong that he waits at the entrance without food or shelter or encouragement for three days, then and only then can he enter and begin the training 129
when I come home, one space monkey is reading to the assembled space monkeys who sit covering the whole first floor. “you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile” 134
they never say stop. It’s like they’re all energy, shaking so fast they blur around the edges, these guys in recovery from something. As if the only choice they have left is how they’re going to die and they want to die in a fight 139
Your father was a model for god 140
how Tyler saw it was getting gods attention for being bad was better then getting no attention at all. Maybe because gods hate is better then his indifference. 141X
Unless we get gods attention, we have no hope of damnation or redemption. 141
the lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. The further you run, the more God wants you back 141
what would you wish you’d done before you died 144
One thing I have to learn before the end of civilization is how to look at the stars and tell where I’m going 148
if we can put these men in training camps and finish raising them
all a gun does is focus an explosion in one Direction
you have a class of young strong men and women, and they want to give their lives to something. Advertising has these people chasing cars and clothes they don’t need. Generations have been working in jobs they hate, just so they can buy what they don’t really need
we don’t have a great war in our generation, or a great depression, but we do, we have a great war of spirit. We have a great revolution against the culture. The great depression is our lives. We have a spiritual depression.
We have to show these men and women freedom by enslaving them, and show them courage by frightening them.
Napoléon bragged that he could train men to sacrifice their lives for scrap of ribbon.
Imagine, when we call a strike and everyone refuses to work until we redistribute the wealth of the world 149
Get out of here, and do your little life, but remember I’m watching you, Raymond Hessel, and I’d rather kill you then see you working a shit job for just enough money to buy cheese and watch television 155X
Only in death will we have our own names since only in death are we no longer part of the effort. In death we become heroes 178
how everything you ever love will reject you or die.
Everything you ever create will be thrown away
everything you’re proud of will end up as trash.
I am Ozymandis, King of Kings.
one more punch and my teeth click shut on my tongue. Half of my tongue drops to the floor and gets kicked away.
The little figurine of Mrs. Patrick madden knelt on the floor next to the body of her husband, the rich people, the people they called friends, towering drunk around her and laughing.
The wife she said Patrick?
The pool of blood spreading wider and wider until it touches her skirt.
She says, Patrick that’s enough stop being Dead.
The blood climbs the hem of her skirt, capillary action, thread to thread, climbing her skirt.
Around me the men of project mayhem are screaming.
Then mrs. Patrick madden is screaming.
And in the basement of the Armory Bar, Tyler Durden slips to the floor in a warm jumble. Tyler Durden the great, who was perfect for one moment, and who said that a moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection
and the fight goes on and on because I want to be dead. Because only in death do we have names. Only in death are we no longer part of project mayhem 201