I’ve decided that I am no longer going to weigh myself on the scale. This is perhaps a long time coming.
I realized one day when weighing myself that it is an altogether pointless endeavour. I weigh a certain weight (ladies never discuss their weight :p) and it’s been minorly acceptable to me, however not perfect. There is a scale of weight that one should be for their height and I range in the lower to middle range. Although I’ve always aimed to be in the lowest range. I may never get there again.
Truth be told I have a number in my head..that number I’m okay with revealing here: 110 pounds. I thought that that would be the weight to strive for and maybe after that I can strive for 100 pounds and then on from there. I haven’t been 110 pounds in awhile though. I’m talking pre-puberty. Maybe if I had a smaller cup size or amputated a leg I could reach this goal that I set for myself, however, I am not interested in reducing or removing anything. I am happy with my body. As long as I work out as often as I do and do as many exercise as I set out for myself I am happy. Besides which, muscle weighs more than fat.
I have to note the implications of weight as well. One’s weight is merely the amount of mass that one takes up in the world. The less mass the less space taken up. I’d go so far and bring up the feminist view as well. Weight loss is a conspiracy for women (and men) to weigh less and thus have less of an impact in the world. Less weight= less space taken up= less importance or impact made. Who would desire such a thing? I exist and take up as much space as I do, that’s that.
Furthermore weight is linked with eating. I have had my bouts with eating. In high school I was trying to eat as little as possible and perhaps weigh less to, as mentioned above I would aim to lose ten pounds and then lose another ten pounds. The beginning stages of anorexia however not taken to an excess. That odd history is there and always will be. It would be liberating to never fall into that habit again and that has brought em here: as long as I’m healthy, I am happy. I may not be the weight I always envisioned when I was younger but I am a healthy weight and perhaps that’s all that matters. Saying I won’t weigh myself is making a promise with myself that I won’t compulsively try to lose weight or starve myself to get to a certain weight. It is a promise to be okay with who I am and how much I weigh. It is a promise of acceptance.
Taken from a document from my desktop.
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Today I got another tattoo. Yes, yes very shocking. I learned a lot from the experience though, so that as well as my resolutions I’m going to delve into now.
First off the tattoo I got today was not new. After I got my fyf tattoo on my right foot I soon got a musicheart tattoo on my left. It was only an outline though because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with it, as a whole. After my left foot I started working on my back. I knew that one day I’d get my left foot filled in when I figured out my life. I originally envisioned that I was going to get it done on November 21st because that was an auspicious day for me. I instead decided to get it done today, four days before I turn 26 so I can sort of “book-end” my tattoo career. As it stands I have no future plans for anymore tattoos and I see filling in my musicheart as my final tattoo.
I originally wanted it done in purple, another auspicious colour but Vega wanted it in black because he has made a career out of black ink-work and it will just look better. It took me a few minutes but I agreed to it. Now that I look at it I agree black was a good way to go.
But yes, this was just a lengthy way of explaining that today I fulfilled my resolution to complete my tattoos. I have similarly met my resolutions of: agency and assertiveness by taking a course, self-defence by taking a class and finished the process of being well read by purchasing most of the books I want to read. Given I still have to read them all but that is a work in progress. As is piano, guitar and Japanese because these are all habits I have to form and they take more practice.
The second to last resolution I made was simply called “public image.” I think I go about achieving this resolution through conscious effort of being aware of what I say on youtube (and the internet) and being aware of how I look. I consider each purchase I make toward clothing a concerted effort to express a more defined public image. I can now live and represent the image I want to portray and live with purpose. Currently I am enamoured with visual kei.
The last resolution…is as undefined as the last few that I mentioned. It is the nicely vague resolution of “start career”. I am not sure how to go about this one. It is true I have graduated post secondary and am free to do whatever it is I wish with my life. It felt like I at last jumped through every hoop I was meant to in order to receive the freedom to decide what I want to do. However figuring out what to do with my days besides doing the only thing I tend to be interested in (watching videos, listening to music and sleeping) is proving to be difficult. I have involved myself with a few organizations that I always wanted to be a part of but I’m not sure that is enough. None of these organizations pay at the moment, but they fulfill my need to be helpful and needed. After all that’s the role I have crafted in this world: Helper. I am a helper. But helpers need to eat, be clothed and live in a house that is furnished and warmed. Does this beginning fulfill my resolution of “start career”? Some things I am still trying to figure out it would seem.
konnichiwa! Watashi no namae wa Christine desu. Watashi wa bejitarian tabemasu. Watashi wa nomimasen demo watashi wa baburutī ga suki. Watashi wa uta kakimasu to Ongaku o kiku yoku; Ongaku suki: SuG, SHINee, AFI, Gazette, Dave Matthews Band, An Cafe to Kerli. Watashi wa yomimasu suki watashi wa tsukurimasu. Watashi wa maiasa ju ji no okimasu. Watashi wa mai ban kyu ji ni nemasu. Watashi wa gakkou ni itte imasen. Watashi wa basu uchi ni kaerimasu. Watashi wa Nihon, Kankoku, ōsutoraria ni ryokō shitaidesu.
わたし の なまえ は クリスティーン・カーター です. わたしはベジタリアンです。わたし は のみません。でも、 わたし は バブルティーが すきです。 わたし は うた をかくし、 おんがく をよくききます。わたし は うた をかくし、 おんがく をよくききます。すきなおんがくは、 サグ, シャイニー, ア “F” イ, ガゼット, デイブ マシュー バンド, アンティック-珈琲店- と Kerli. わたし は よみます すき わたし は つくります. わたし は まいあさ 十 じに おきます. わたし は がっこう に いって いません. わたし は ばすでうち に かえります. わたし は 日本, かんこくと オーストラリア に りょこう したいです.
Bonjour! Je m’appelle Christine. Je suis une végétarienne quand je mange. Je ne bois pas de l’alcohol mais J’aime boire BBT. J’écrive des poèmes et j’écoute la musique souvent. J’aime la musique comme: SuG, SHINee, AFI, Gazette, Dave Matthews Band, An Cafe et Kerli. J’aime lire et je fais de la musique. Je me réveille à dix du matin. Je vais dormir à onze à la nuit. Je ne vais pas à l’école. Je retourné à chez moi à l’autobus. Je désiré aller à le Japon, Le Corée et L’Australie.
Hello! My name is Christine. I am a vegetarian (when I eat). I don’t drink alcohol but I like to drink BBT. I write poems and I listen to music often. I like music like: SuG, SHINee, AFI, Gazette, Dave Matthews Band, An Cafe and Kerli. I like to read and I make music. I wake up at ten in the morning. I go to sleep at eleven at night. I don’t go to school. I come home by bus. I want to go to Japan, Korea and Australia.
TL;DR I had a rough time on Monday’s class and am rethinking learning Japanese.
I had the hardest time in Japanese on Monday. We had a two week break and apparently it only takes two weeks for me to forget everything I know about Japanese. Not French though, VSB will be pleased to know that the phrases I was expected to say came easily to me in French but was a complete loss for me in the language that mattered that night.
I’m not sure if that’s a feat or not, but it was another moment for me to realize just how difficult it is to try and do what I do. I want to learn languages but I don’t want to forget the ones I know already. A question that came up on one of my apps (it is just one that asks random questions under the guise of “what if”) asked if I could learn a new language but forget the one I know right now would I. It’s a fair question but my reaction was immediate. No. As much as I want to learn new languages in order to converse with more people I don’t want to lose the language I was born with. It’s already difficult realizing that for each language I learn, it’s another reason that I won’t be able to talk to my family.
I don’t know if it was a sign or not but one of the big issues I had involved numbers,w which were never my friend in high school math. But as I previously noted I had to say it was 3:30 for example, and I knew it was san something or other, but in protest my mind said it was san et demie or rather trois et demie. It was examples like that I was oddly proud that I still remembered that but more than that frustrated that no matter what I thought I couldn’t answer it the way they wanted. I just couldn’t and I felt stunted, less than, perhaps almost learning disabled. It was the first time I realized that although I know a relative amount of vocabulary, not to mention good pronunciation and listening comprehension, I still felt that that was barely the tip of the ice berg.
I realized I don’t want this. Japanese has dragged on a class or two to many and I have lost the drive to attend class eagerly. I still love Japanese and the culture as well but I feel like an old hat… or rather I feel like I’ve experienced as much Japanese and its culture that I would ever want to. I am satiated. Moreover I realized a fine example that perhaps not many people would understand, but I will of course explain it. I want to know SHINee Japanese, not An Cafe or GazettE Japanese. The difference? An Cafe and GazettE are native Japanese speakers, so of course they can make any song work with the language they already have. SHINee are natively Korean and are probably taught enough Japanese to pass through to the Japanese market (each member has different fluency) This is what I always wanted, enough language to get by, not enough to make me native because truth be told that is impossible. I will never be native to any language but English. And I am fine with this. That one moment when I thought “wouldn’t it be cool if I could understand anime without reading the subtitles?” was a nice thought, and occasionally I can recognize what they are saying without reading. But as I said, I am satiated. I’ll finish the classes but after that I’m done. Although I’d love to bookmark this all with a trip to Japan. I am ready for another language.
Will I be happy if I weigh this much?
Will I be happy if I look this way?
Will I be happy if I have this pet?
If the answer is no, start again.
Will I be happy if I work at this place?
Will I be happy if I was successful there?
Will I be happy if I had more money?
If the answer is no, start again.
Will I be happy if I wore what I want?
Will I be happy if I love who I want?
Will I be happy when I realize who I am?
If the answer is not known, start again.